2006 Is A Comin'. There Ain't No Stoppin' It.

Things are back on track here in Library Land, folks. Spine labels are being affixed, books are being shelved in proper Dewey order, and SLJ reviews are being read and duly noted. If only the rest of my life were in such a perfect state of organization and clarity, I could use that Zen superiority to solve all the problems of mankind.

So today I get the U.S. New and World Report with a cover that states 50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2006. "Great," I think, "they've already done all the work for me. Now I can just follow their guide. 2006 should be a snap." Was I ever wrong.

Their advice includes tips such as: pull the plug on tech distractions. Check email hourly, not every 5 minutes. I mean, HELLO? What if a teacher had some kind of overhead projector crisis, or needed a suggestion for a book title by the next period? And I just lazily ignored my computer for over an hour? What kind of advice is this? Are they actively trying to get me fired?

Another tip from the geniuses: learn to multitask. Are there any jobs left that don't require people to multitask? Even the term multitask is insulting in this day and age. 10 year olds are creating Power Point presentations and looking up images on Google and getting facts from their textbooks at the same time. If you can't do more than one thing at a time, sign up for the nursing home today because I predict some serious problems for your 2006 future.

Some other brain busters: pay your bills online, meditate, dive into a life-changing book. Gee, U.S. New and World Report, where would I be without your divine wisdom? I can't believe the journalistic sages you must have working for you. Thanks ever so much.

Ok, I didn't mean to go into a tirade about the absurd magazine article, but I couldn't help feeling that it's ridiculousness directly applied to the ridiculousness that is my life. Conclusion: I'm sticking with what I've got for 2006. Because if it's already better than what they've got over at U.S. News, at least I know I've got a leg up on millions of people.