Drudgery and Rants

Paying bills makes me miserable. I hate money and everything to do with money, unless it involves having unlimited amounts available to me. Unfortunately, this has yet to happen. When I start to think about how much money I actually owe that I will have to pay back in my lifetime (which happens at least once a month, when I look at my bank statement), I start to get that fearful, anxious, dread feeling, like a dull ache at the back of my brain. My brain simultaneously kicks into overdrive, concocting schemes of how to get out of paying my overwhelming student loans that involve elaborate staged deaths all shrouded in mystery, and causes the other part of my brain to simply shut down, making it difficult to concentrate on said bills that need paying.

I've been pretty good about everything being timely and balanced. I try not to live beyond my means, I haven't taken a true vacation anywhere in years. Granted, I also didn't work last summer, which meant I had no extra income (and I sure could've used it), but I'm still glad I took that freebie couple of months and did what I wanted to do. This summer I'll be working at an athletic club, mindless and cheerful work that I won't mind doing for 20 hours a week. And of course, the school still pays me through the summer, so that's a check in the bank every two weeks regardless of how many hours I put in at the gym.

So why is it that I still always feel behind? Plus, the end of the school year always brings expenses- birthdays, retirement parties, showers, weddings, etc. I hate feeling resentful about paying $55 to go to a party celebrating a friend's retirement after 35 years teaching, but I do. I hate trying to cram in as many graduate credits as I can every year so that I can sloooowly climb the ranks of the school pay scale. I hate having to worry about being in a union contract year and school committee meetings where the town declares they have no money for raises for the teachers, let alone a cost of living increase. What other profession would be forced to to accept a 1% pay raise every year? What is that, an extra $20 a month?

I hate feeling like I'll never be able to buy a house in this area because there is nothing affordable and it's impossible to save. I'm sad that the area I love so much is so far out of reach it's insane.

I also hate feeling unhappy with an educational system that could be so great, if only it got the recognition it deserved rather than being glossed over while the big money goes into weaponry and warfare.

Yes, I chose to go to graduate school and I took out the loans. But why should I have a lifetime sentence of bills just because I wanted to better myself? Why should I owe more than my actual yearly salary in student loans, just so that I can meet state standards for my job? Like I'm supposed to just shrug and say, "Oh well, at least I'm considered 'highly qualified'!"

I think I should have been born independently wealthy or something.

God, I hate bills day.