15 Things

Friends, my head has not been in the right place lately. I have this constant feeling of being out of sorts, like I'm unsure of how to be myself anymore. This feeling has it's own ebb and flow of course, but I'll admit it's been kind of disconcerting. The last year has brought with it many changes- some amazing, some not quite so welcome. Today I decided that I was well overdue for a mental health day and I set out to enjoy a leisurely day at Walden Pond, famous home to Thoreau and the filming site of On Golden Pond. I packed up a book and a snack and some sunscreen and I headed for the woods for some deep contemplation re-reading of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Unfortunately, it appeared as though every college campus in the state of Massachusetts (and believe me, there are a lot of them), also decided that today was Mental Health Day '07 and also chose Walden as their get-away spot.

And in college, "get-away" means "sneaking vodka in Nalgene bottles and shouting and swearing while throwing oneself into a frigid lake in May". Needless to say, it was not the relaxing jaunt I had been hoping for. But I did get some very pretty pictures- if you'd like to see them you can email me, I'll send you the link to my flickr account. I'm far too lazy to post them in both places, you see.

Anyway, Jenn had a great Post Secret type of blog entry today and I thought I'd follow suit in the spirit of being cathartic. Here are 15 things that I wish to tell different people without naming any names.

1. I'm still so angry and disappointed with you, I don't know that I'll ever not be angry. But I'm trying.
   
2. I wanted you to be somebody else.
   
3. You're a better writer than I am; sometimes I'm jealous.
4. You've always been there for me and I appreciate that more than you'll ever know.
5. Years later I'm still trying to understand how you could give up your family members so easily. I cannot understand your feelings but at least now I can accept them.
   
6. Sometimes it's difficult to be your friend when we have such different views of the world. But I'm glad we are; it's good to have your beliefs shaken up once in a while.
7. I hope our friendship continues to grow and I'm really very glad you showed up at this point in my life.
   
8. I'm sorry that things did not work out the way we thought they would. I'm sorry we didn't try harder. I'm sorry we left things the way we did.
9. I never wanted to get to know you but you've made it really hard to hate you.
   
10. I wish we didn't live so far apart. I miss you.
11. I secretly hope to run into you someday so that you can see how awesome I am compared to you.
12. You are the person I turn to when I feel like there's nobody and nothing else to make me feel better and you never ask for anything in return. I don't tell you enough how important that is to me.
13. I find you to be silly and immature, but sometimes I need that.
14. I hope you're happy and content, even if you wouldn't wish the same for me.
    
15. You are my love. You are my favorite. You are my home, and my heart, and you represent all the best things in my life. I want you to know that you mean more to me than I'll ever be able to express in a silly blog post. And I'll tell you that until forever.