Crazy Talk

Sometimes I think I must know what it's like to be mentally ill.

I'm not saying that in a "I feel your pain, Prozac Nation" kind of way, or even a Britney Spears shave-all-my-hair-off-and-check-into-12-different-rehabs kind of way. I'm simply thinking that for the past 15 years or so I have been getting that montly visit that signifies that I'm now a woman and that I have God's biological permission to procreate. And yet? Every single month rolls in and I spend a good 3-4 days as a crazed maniac bent on my own destruction. My moods range from sad to angry to chipper and happy to weeping and ranting, in roughly 10 minute intervals, with pretty much no reprieve until I wake up a few days later thinking, "Uh oh. I really hope no one was too badly hurt during that little Dr. Jekyll episode."

And usually I think to myself, Self? This is really not a very lady-like way to behave. In fact, you're probably making everyone around you want to murder you in your sleep. Sometimes I can even pep talk myself into being calm and normal- that is, when I recognize that I'm being a loon, which is not the majority of cases. But when your feelings are so big and they feel so true, it's almost impossible to tell yourself that you're being irrational.

So maybe I'm naive, but I'd imagine that's exactly how mentally ill people feel. Or maybe they just never have that moment of clarity when they realize that everyone probably hates them? If only I owned a big drug company- all my efforts would be poured into a three-day a month Paxil formula. Well, that, and my birth control advent calendars- you know, where you get a little piece of chocolate with your Ortho every day? Oh, and there would be different "advent" themes every month- fun! No one will ever forget to take that ish if there's little bites of dark chocolate and kama sutra leprechauns involved.

I am so going to be rich one day. Or ex-communicated. Whatevs.

Where was I? Oh, right. Anyway, if I seem like a whiny jerk-face lately, or ever in the past, for that matter, it is probably for the above mentioned reasons. All I can say is, thanks be that a good 55% of the people on this planet probably understand without even having to read this, and for those who don't, sorry for the swings.