The ins and outs of a young library media specialist's life. Rock, rock on.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Baked In A Pie

People: the most terrifying, weirdest, grossest thing happened to me yesterday and I don't know if I'm going to be able to describe it well enough to do it justice. But of course I'm going to try anyway.

I was driving home from work, cruising along at a fair 50 mph with my windows open and my tunes rocking, when out of nowhere, WHAM. There was an explosion of feathers and blood and something rock solid slammed into my arm and fell down my side. A bird had kamikaze dived into my OPEN CAR WINDOW, smashed into the window frame, and then the force of it hitting the window threw it into my body and then fell under my seat. I only remained stunned for a moment, then started screaming and almost drove off the road. I finally managed to pull off the road into a church parking lot, jumped out of the car and proceeded to run around in circles, still screaming. After I screeched enough to make my throat hurt I gathered up my courage to peer back in my car. Through the haze of feathers I spied the lifeless little body of a sparrow, resting peacefully on a stack of my cds that were on the floor of my backseat.

So then I had a bit of a scream again, especially when I looked at my arm and it was spattered with bird blood. I have a mild fear about birds under normal circumstances, even pet birds freak me out, and wild birds in my car topped my list of Most Scary Things Ever. There was no way I could get back in the car at this point and I tried to call Chris, but no answer. So I called my mother instead, which was a bad idea because I was crying, shrieking, and laughing all at the same time and made my mother do the same. She recommended I not touch the bird, since it probably had diseases (which didn't help much since it's blood was already all over me) and that I should ask someone for help in getting the bird out of my car.

I steeled myself and tried to stop my hands from shaking as I got back in and drove to the nearest gas station. On the way I tried to think up some plausible excuse as to why there was a dead bird in my car that didn't make me look ridiculous and/or like a bird killer. I also let out intermittent little shrieks when I thought about the bird somehow regaining consciousness, hopping up, and proceeding to peck my legs. You know, because that was entirely possible, even though it's little bird head was dented in and there was blood coming out of it's little bird beak.

I finally got to the gas station and found a young man attendant. I explained what happened, suppressing my shudders and trying hard not to freak the hell out that a DEAD BIRD was still in my car and Oh. My. LORD it was hot out and that bird was going to bake in my car and then that would be it. I'd have to sell the Civic because I couldn't drive around in vehicle that smelled like sparrow casserole.

The man was nice enough despite my incoherence and simply reached under my car seat with some paper towels, grabbed the bird body, took it away, and came back with a shop vac to clean up the feathers and blood. I scrubbed down my hands and arms like I had been subjected to radioactive materials and thanked the man profusely. I think I was crying a little, but he was nice enough not to mention it and refrained from making fun of me until I left.

Seriously, have you ever even heard of something like this? It could only happen to me. And you know this.

I'm never driving with my windows open again.


Blogger lizgwiz rocks hardcore!

I've never had a bird dive-bomb INTO my open window, no. (And thank god.) I did once have a bird throw himself at the corner of my windshield while I was driving down the highway, much to his own peril. And once I was driving up to an intersection and noticed a pigeon sitting in the road. I figured he was going to do that bird thing--you know, where they wait until the last possible moment to fly away, so I didn't slow down too much. AND HE DIDN'T MOVE! I plowed right over him, there was an awful thump, and when we looked back there was a huge plume of feathers wafting up. It looked like Foghorn Leghorn in the old cartoons. Except this bird apparently didn't "keep his feathers numbered for just such an emergency." I felt horrible, but we couldn't stop laughing. The bird had a death wish, apparently.

8:53 AM

Anonymous Anonymous rocks hardcore!

Isn't that how the movie THE BIRDS started out....with a little mishap such as yours????? BEWARE

9:08 AM

Blogger L Sass rocks hardcore!

OMG. That is awful and so freaky!! And also--ew!! I would be 100% freaked out, as well, and I have no preexisting fear of birds.

9:32 AM

Blogger Kirsten rocks hardcore!

i'm sorry but i've been telling this story to everyone -- and each time i cannot finish because i'm laughing so hard. crying/laughing. after reading about it in full detail... well, now i need to change my pants.

oh and you forgot to add that after it all... C wanted chicken for dinner. for some reason THAT part made my Dad crack up.

9:32 AM

Anonymous Lex rocks hardcore!

Hahahahahaha!!! I seriously cannot stop laughing!!! hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:36 AM

Blogger Kelli rocks hardcore!

WOW. I can imagine I would've reacted the same way - shrieking, crying, and laughing all at the same time. Thank goodness the nice attendant helped you out.

Although, I have to say, the little sparrow probably wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed for his move so maybe this was all the whole "survival of the fittest" idea at work.

I think the next time I see you I'm going to have you tell that story in person. It's too funny.

9:37 AM

Blogger Noelle rocks hardcore!

Wow, I freaked out when a saw a spider on my dashboard yesterday morning. This is MUCH WORSE. I'm glad you survived okay and had a nice man help you. I think I'll be getting a lot more use out of my air conditioning this summer after reading your saga.

Oh, and I applaud the writing of this entry. You literally got me on the edge of my seat.

9:55 AM

Blogger 3carnations rocks hardcore!

Oh my gosh. No I have not heard of that. Have you considered writing non-fiction horror short stories? Because you've got one right there.

No, the only two bird stories I have are as follows: As a child, I remember being somewhere with my family and a bald friend of the family. The bald friend got his bald head pooped on by a bird. It's really amazing that people don't get pooped on by birds more often.

The other was when a bird came flying into our sliding door. He was laying on the deck; we were sure he was dead. A few minutes later, he got up and flew away.

10:36 AM

Anonymous abbersnail rocks hardcore!

Holy. Mother. I would have absolutely wrecked the car! That is AWFUL!

And also... hilarious. Because that's how life works, you know?

11:12 AM

Blogger CarpeDM rocks hardcore!

Um, yeah, it doesn't just happen to you. Read this. And I'm sorry, this was terribly traumatic for you and all but a part of me had to laugh because it is a lot like what happened to me. Wait. Chris wanted chicken for dinner? At least no one said we should have venison.

11:21 AM

Blogger Ween rocks hardcore!

That's the first time I've ever heard of that happening. I've swallowed some bugs in my time, but that's nothing.

I'm sure I would've wrecked my car.

2:31 PM

Blogger Lara rocks hardcore!

oh my GOD! i would have reacted exactly the same way, screaming and crying. seriously, that is so awful. :( i'm glad you were able to handle it as well as you did.

5:22 PM

Blogger whiskeymarie rocks hardcore!

Poor bird.
But funny, just the same.

I once found a bird egg cracked open on my back sidewalk with a dead baby bird inside. I went in the house to figure out what to do with it. When I looked out the window there was a bird just standing by the egg. It stayed there for 2.5 HOURS, just standing.
I think it was having some sort of extended bird funeral, cause eventually it just...left.

Sad, and very weird.
Birds are odd.

6:29 PM

Blogger Tori rocks hardcore!

Wow! Maybe you'll have ten years good luck now or something...
I have had a bug do that while I was driving.
You definitely got yourself a timeless story here.

6:55 PM

Anonymous alyndabear rocks hardcore!

Holy shit! How'd you manage that one? No.. never happened. Closest thing to me was having not one, but two birds do kamikaze dives into our Contiki tour bus window in New Zealand. Horrible. :( Poor birdies!

1:21 AM

Blogger Lisa rocks hardcore!

I have to say that I'm seriously proud of you for NOT crashing into anything after that happened. I seriously would have freaked out and reacted the exact same way! Thank God for the attendant!
Are you going to get your car detailed now???

5:20 AM

Blogger stilettoheights rocks hardcore!

this is the most horrifying story I have ever heard and makes me leery to ever have the windows open again.

you poor thing, the poor bird...

I hope you can can;t really drunk and forget all about this.

7:21 AM

Blogger stefanie rocks hardcore!

Great. Thanks. One more thing to add to my list of mostly irrational fears.

That said, the trauma!! Oh lord! Are you recovering OK? I would be all jittery about birds and driving for a week.

9:18 AM

Blogger melissa rocks hardcore!


I....don't know what I'd do. Yikes.

5:09 PM


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