Bush Confuses Petraeus With Atreyu

In a recent press announcement, President Bush announced his plans to send Army Lieutenant General David Petraeus (recently confirmed by the Senate to command U.S. troops in Iraq) into battle unarmed.

"You must go alone. You must leave all your weapons behind. But you may take this," Bush added, handing Petraeus a metallic object. "This will protect you in your time of need."

Although he appeared slightly puzzled, Petraeus accepted the gift from President Bush as he concluded his speech with a few tips.

"I think you'll find that all you need to do is find yourself a Luck Dragon, General Petraeus, and you'll be well on your way. Hell, he might even get you to the Southern Oracle and you'll get to see them great big Sphinx boobies. You may want to look around Baghdad, I heard they've got Sphinxes that don't even wear burqas 'round there."

Bush's speech also included a number of references to recently executed Saddam Hussein as the "G'mork of Iraq", stating that Petraeus should have a much easier time of it now that he was no longer tracking Petraeus's quest.

As General Petraeus boarded Air Force One this afternoon to begin his post as commander of the U.S. troops Bush added, "You got this one, man. The people of this great U.S. of A, from the Rock Biters to the Night Hobs, believe in you 110%. Good luck with your quest, Petraeus. And don't find me no sissy name like Moon Child, either."