Zoo Keeper

You probably didn't know this, but I actually live in a wildlife sanctuary. In fact, I myself did not realize this until very recently; that is, until last night.

I was laying in bed, happily propped up against a bunch of pillows, playing Mario Kart on wi-fi. Awesome, yes? Until my concentration was rudely interrupted by a ticking noise that sounded alarmingly close to my ear. My mind quickly ran through all the probable causes: a clock? No, my digital alarm clock didn't tick. The breeze blowing the rod from the blinds around? Uh-uh. My watch? Nope, silent as a good Swiss-made eco-drive watch should be. So what the hell was tickticktickticktickticking in my ear?!

Turns out there is some new species of bug invading the area that just flies around ticking. It is attracted to light, i.e. my bedroom window and my glowing bright MK game. I tried desperately to ignore the sound of a time bomb at my window, eventually giving up when I placed 3rd at Mario Kart (out of 4) and shutting out my light to get some sleep.

Cut to today: I am standing in my kitchen washing some dishes when I hear a sinister barking sound right outside my window. Maybe a cross between a coyote, a feral cat, and a middle school girl, and annoying as hell. I looked out the window, fully expecting to see some genetically engineered, mutated hybrid animal, and see nothing but a squirrel. Weird, I thought, but returned my attention to the dishes. Until I heard the noise again and I looked up to see the squirrel staring straight at me, about 3 feet from the window, making that noise so deep in its throat so that I can see its fur moving. What the eff? Freaked out, I squirted my sink sprayer at it and it ran down the tree, looked up at me, growled menacingly, and ran off.

Now, I read the news. And don't think I missed the story about the woman attacked by a squirrel outside of Tiffany's the other day. (She's suing, btw, since they didn't post anything about the dangers of attack squirrels outside of Tiffany's. Good for her.) Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah. My point: squirrels attack. And I know for a fact that this is the squirrel I saw a few months ago eating a buffalo chicken wing on a tree stump in my neighbor's yard, so it's definitely carnivorous. And the squirrels in this neighborhood eat everything from marshmallow peeps (once again, neighbor's fault) to bird seed, so I wouldn't doubt that they are some type of super-strain squirrels that could easily tear my thumbs off and have themselves a little snack.

Between the tickers and the growlers, I find myself trapped in a bizarre city zoo. I'm buying myself a can of mace and a bug swatter, ASAP.