Complaints Registered On High This Season: Five

Dear Higher Powers:

I am writing this letter to register a complaint with whomever handles things Up There. Because, basically, whomever is in charge of my life in particular is effing things up pretty royally and I just thought you'd want to know so you can have a little chat with them. Over the course of the weekend I was pushed very close to the limit of what I can handle during the Christmas season and I'm thinking there must be some type of rules Up There that prevent this kind of thing from happening. I've put together a little laundry list of things I would like you to take care of for next weekend.

1. Please disappear my new Comcast cable boxes. Why? Because they don't work. When it takes 15 minutes to load each channel, I consider that defective. When it gives you a scrambled mess every time you try to watch an "On Demand" movie, I consider that broken. Also, please send me some sign as to why Comcast refuses to return our phone calls, yet we've already managed to receive our first bill less than a week after we started the service.

2. Send me a new mattress. "Oh," I hear you ask, "but didn't you just buy a new one at Ikea?" Eff you, I say. And eff Ikea, too. That mattress was like sleeping in a foam chasm that sucked everything on it directly into its saggy middle. But even after Chris and I decided to return it, did you at least try to make it easy for us? No, you did not. We had to stop 4 times on the 20 minute ride to Stoughton to make sure it would not fly off the roof of the Honda Element. Our hands are rope burned and calloused from tying and untying the nylon cables. Our souls are scarred forever from the neurotic fear of a mattress flying off the roof and killing 73 people in the Ted Williams Tunnel.

3. Explain to me why I spent another 4 hours of my life (that I will never get back, mind you) in Ikea, searching for a couch. It wasn't enough that I found one in the As Is section, went to find matching pillows, and returned to find it GONE? No. That was nothing compared to your next eff up, when we bought a new couch, tied it into the Element (another 45 minutes of my life, more rope burns, sprained wrist), and trekked it home, only to discover it does not fit up my staircase. Not to mention my jammed fingers, Chris's smashed ankle, and the fact that I had to crawl around my pretty new couch to get to work today because it is blocking my entire front hallway as a reminder that I will soon be returning the pretty new couch. I mean, c'mon. That's just cruel.

4. I was also kind of hoping you could do something about the fact that we now have no mattress. I mean, I have my old mattress, which works for now- but you see it doesn't actually fit the new bed frame we bought and assembled. In fact, if we were to fall off the side, we'd probably smash ourselves unconscious on the wooden frame before even falling to the floor. Is that supposed to be some kind of blessing? Because it's so not.

5. Could you maybe send me some kind of sign as to what I should get the following people for Christmas: my mother, father, sister, cousins, godson, friends, and boyfriend. Oh, and if you could tell me where the cheapest place to get it is, and also where to locate said gifts, that would be great.

Thanks in advance for your help with this, Sentient Being On High. I know I don't really believe in you, but if you could prove me wrong just this once I'd be ever so grateful.

Sincerely,

NPW