Dharmastice

Dear Dharma Initiative:

I'm pretty sure your main goal is to make sure that things on Craphole Island go according to your dastardly government plan. However, I would be very grateful if you could just do a couple of things for me, seeing as how I am waist-deep in a Lost situation of my own.

1. Please airdrop an entire crate of allergy medecine on my doorstep. I'll leave the seizure-inducing beacon outside for you, you can't miss it. If you do get lost, just follow the sound of my next door neighbors playing bongos well into the night.
2. If I ever feel like I need a little space from the roommates, it would be great if you could just do a mini-lockdown like last week and keep them in their rooms for a couple hours. You don't need to sever their legs or anything drastic, just contain them for a bit. Maybe even give them some DayGlo scribbles on the walls and a black light to keep them entertained.
3. I'm pretty sure the "boys" that live in the apartment next to ours are actually Others that escaped from your island. Could you please collect them and bring them back to their natural habitat, where they can be free to torment someone else?
And lastly,
4. Could you please, please, please just have someone kill off Claire? I know there'd be dozens of people lining up to push her and alien Aaron off a cliff. Just do it already- you know you want to. The sooner, the better.

Thanks in advance for your help, Dharma dudes.

Sincerely,

NPW