Making All Your Wildest Dinner Reservation Dreams Come True

It has arrived! At long last: Valentine's Day is here. Despite much protesting I have already received no fewer than 3 boxes of Convo Hearts- all of which can now be found in my garbage. Touché, Mr. "Be Mine".

To celebrate this most holy of romantic occasions, I have compiled the long-anticipated list of the best and worst calendar year holidays. You may want to print this page out and live by it. In fact, I give you full copyright permission to just cut this out and gluestick it directly into your day planner.

Best of the Best: Looking Ahead To 2006

1. Groundhog Day: February 2
Punxatawney Phil and his shadow have long been our only scientific way of proving that spring will, in fact, grace our good lands. It's just too bad the little rodent has decreed six more weeks of winter for the last 5 years in a row.

2. Guy Fawkes Day: November 5
Any holiday where you can burn a homemade effigy in a giant bonfire works for me. I've started an email chain letter to petition this becoming an official holiday in the U.S.; when you get it, make sure to forward it on to Congress. We can pick another figurehead to burn, I don't really care. I just want the fire. Marhsmallows, anyone?

3. April Fool's Day: April 1
Yells of "Gotcha!" and peals of laughter echoing through the hall. It's a librarian's heaven. I think this year I'll pull every one of my 15,000 books off the shelves into a giant pile in the middle of the library and tell the kids to reshelve them. Then yell "gotcha!" and chuckle inwardly.

4. Halloween/Thanksgiving: Various
The fall holidays are the best. For obvious reasons. If they are not so obvious, refer back to my posts from Oct. and Nov.

5. Fourth of July: July 4
Nothing's more American pie than the fourth of July. Loving the fourth of July may be hokey, but it redeems me for my complete lack of interest in the Olympics. Bonus: fireworks=fire. See above.

Big Black X Days: Days to Beware 2006

1. Christmas Day: December 25
If you read pretty much any entry from my blog in the month of December, you will need no explanation as to why Christmas counts as the blackest day of the year. However, I am willing to admit that this past Christmas was especially disheartening, so maybe 2006 will be it's year to shine. Maybe I will be overcome with the spirit of Christmas. Maybe I'll be visited by three ghosts in the night and they will make me repent of my wicked ways. Or maybe it will be Major Suckfest 2006. Only time will tell.

2. Valentine's Day: February 14
Cupid reaches into his quiver for an arrow laced with Love Potion #9. His bow arches, the string pulled taut. A blur of red rushing at you. Whoosh! A direct hit to the heart. You are now in love. You must buy $97 worth of Hallmark merchandise and glut yourself with heart/blob-shaped Marshmallow Peeps. Why? Because it is your destiny. You are a sucker for love. But don't fret; we are all in this together. Even I, cynic as I am, have fallen prey to the conventions of this ill-conceived holiday.

3. Cinco de Mayo: May 5
Inferior cousin to the Day of the Dead (November 2). That, coupled with an unimaginative name send me running far, far away from the nearest cantina. Not a single sip of Corona will pass these lips. I have even boycotted limes. I'm getting my taqueria fix in now; once May rolls in it's all Asian, all the time.

4. Labor Day: 1st Monday in September
Signaling the end of my summer vacation and the movement of white capri pants from haute couture to fashion faux pas.

5. Boxing Day: December 26
With an already sizable black hole in my heart from the previous day's festivities, Boxing Day propels red line businesses back into the black and fills me with a shopping anxiety like I have never known before. "What if I can never get an orange sequined tank top for $6 ever again? I'm missing opportunities here! SALES!"

While some of you may be looking for a more complete list, ordered numerically from best to worst, I would urge you to develop your own personalized list. Maybe you like yourself a little cerveza on the fifth of May. Or maybe you're totally into pine-scented eggnog and strands of colored lights strewn through your bushes. Who am I to judge the powerful mysteries of national holidays?

Oh, and Happy V-Day!