This Body Will Self Destruct in 3... 2... 1...

Dear NPW:

I don't understand why you insist on punishing yourself so. Do you really think you can survive on 4 hours of sleep a night? Maybe you could have pulled that off in college, but if you think back to good old 2000 you might recall that even then you had ample afternoon hours during which you could nap away your Tuesday night hangover. Now? Not so much. Because I don't think schools encourage you to nap during the day, unless of course you're teaching Kindergarten, and even then I'm pretty sure you're just supposed to watch them sleep, not curl up onto a cot yourself.

Your feeble attempts at staying healthy are not fooling us. One run a week? A salad followed by Girl Scout cookies? We're not stupid. A girl can't live on lettuce and Samoas anymore than she can live with 12 hours of sleep a week. And don't even get us started on how little H2O you've been consuming lately. One look at your dry skin and you're not keeping that secret from anyone.

I think we'll agree that the Aloha show last night was great. And yes, Harpoon Munich Dark is delicious. And yes, Central Square is quite the scene, even on a random Tuesday. But seriously: we can't take much more of this. So consider this your fair warning. Anymore of these brazen attempts to undermine our authority and we will shut this shit down.

Sincerely,
Your Body